“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”

– Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”

– Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”

– Vice President Al Gore

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”

– Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

– Vice President Al Gore

“[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”

– Vice President Al Gore

“We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.”

– Vice President Al Gore

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.”

– Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.’”

– Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”

– Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

“I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.”

– Vice President Al Gore

“The future will be better tomorrow.”

– Vice President Al Gore

“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”

– Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”

– Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.”

– Vice President Al Gore

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, “Where are you going?”

He replies, “To the kitchen.”

She asks, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

He replies, “Sure.”

She then asks him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

He says, “No, I can remember that.”

She then says, “Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you’ll forget that.”

He says, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

She replies, “Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

With irritation in his voice, he says, “I don’t need to write that down, I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “You forgot my toast.”

Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation

9. Every Tuesday he insists it’s his turn to be the siren.

8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he’d look good in a collar.

7. He wants you to call him “Judge Dredd”, and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.

6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the “good cop”, and the other half is the “bad cop”.

5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.

4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.

3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.

2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.

1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

Things Mom Would Never Say

“How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”

“Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too”

“Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery”

“Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week”

“Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day”

“Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”

“The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”

“I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve”

“Don’t bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve”

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. “Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress,” complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked “what’s wrong?” It’s a small, small world Joe, and you’re fired”