Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, “Oh, look! A nut!” The second squirrel jumped on it and said, “It

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Q: What’s the difference between a University of Michigan fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q: How many University of Michigan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
A: On the University of Michigan campus. That’s the last place you would find a football player.

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Michigan weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q: Why don’t University of Michigan fans let their kids play in sand boxes?
A: Because cats keep covering them up.

A University of Michigan fan walks into a doctor’s office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, “How can I help you?” The frog replies, “I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt.”

Q: Did you hear about the University of Michigan fan who locked his keys in his car?
A: He couldn’t get his family out.

Q: Why do University of Michigan fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Two University of Michigan fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do. The first University of Michigan fan says to the second, “Boy, I wish I could do that.” The second University of Michigan fan replies, “Yeah, me too. But I wouldn’t try it.” The first University of Michigan fan asks, “Why not?” The second University of Michigan fan replies, “Because I’m afraid the dog might bite me.”

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A: A visitor.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Michigan’s football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.

Q: Do you know why the University of Michigan football team should change its name to the “Opossums”?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Michigan campus?
A: The officials had to check ID’s before letting anyone back on board.

Q: What does the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and a University of Michigan?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Q: What should you do if you find three University of Michigan fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie. The genie said to the General, “I will grant you one wish.” The General replied, “I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war.” The genie responded, “I’m not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish.” “Well,” the General responds, “then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?” After a moment, the genie says, “Let me see that map again.”

Q: How do you make University of Michigan cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Michigan fan and a pig?
A: Nothing. There’s some things that a pig will not do.

Q: How many University of Michigan freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it’s a sophomore course.

Dumb Michigan Laws
A woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission.
There is a 10 cent bounty for each rat’s head brought into a town office.
It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she got hurt in your house.
You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan.
Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony.
Clawson
There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
Detroit
Couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple’s own property.
Willfully destroying your old radio is prohibited.
It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday.
Alligators may not be tied to fire hydrants.
It is illegal to let your pig run free in Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose. According to history and animal husbandry, it prevents them from “rooting” in the ground for their food.
Grand Haven
No person shall throw an abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for each offense.
Harper Woods
It is illegal to paint sparrows to sell them as parakeets.
Kalamazoo
It is against the law to serenade your girlfriend.
Rochester
All bathing suits must have been inspected by the head of police.
Soo
Smoking while in bed is illegal.
Wayland
Anyone can keep their cow on Main Street downtown at a cost of 3 cents per day.

HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.”

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

Put your trash can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”

Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Next on Public Radio 91 we’ll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72…

A werewolf joke
How do you stop a werewolf chasing you?
Throw a stick and say fetch!

A werewolf joke
How do you know if two werewolves have been in the fridge?
Two pairs of paw prints in the butter!

A vampire joke
What’s Dracula’s favourite coffee?
Decoffinated!

A werewolf joke
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a frog?
A creature that can bite you from the other side of the road!

A vampire joke
What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot?
A bite in shining armour!

A werewolf joke
What does it mean if you find a werewolf in the fridge in the morning?
You had some party the night before!

A ghost joke
Where does Sitting Bull’s ghost live?
In a creepy teepee!