A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

“And what if I swallow it?”

“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

What did the clean dog say to the insect?
Long time no flea!

Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War?
Robert E Flea!

What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor?
Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go!

What do you call a cheerful flea?
A hop-timist!

What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear?
Shot it!

What did one flea say to the other after a night out?
Shall we walk home or take a dog?

What did the romantic flea say?
I love you aw-flea!

How to fleas travel?
Itch hiking!

What is the difference between fleas and dogs?
Dogs can have fleas but fleas can’t have dogs!

Why did the stupid boy wear a turlte neck sweater?
To hide his flea collar!

Top honors for “Human Projectile of the Month” go to an as-of-yet unidentified dude who is also a serious contender for the annual “Darwin Award”. That prestigious prize is given posthumously to the person who does the human gene pool the greatest service by removing himself from it in the most extraordinarily stupid fashion.

Troopers from the Arizona Highway Patrol got on to this gallant if not brainless form of ballistic research after motorists reported some mysterious scorched and blackened scars on a stretch of deserted highway.

The more officers found, the stranger the case got. Here is what they “pieced” together:

JATO units are basically huge canisters of solid rocket fuel used to achieve “Jet Assisted Take Off”, typically lifting big transport planes into the air from short, rough ground runways, or shooting overloaded planes from the decks of aircraft carriers.

They were not, repeat NOT, designed to augment the inherent boost factor of a 1967 Chevy Impala. But it is guessed that — let’s call him “Zippy” —- didn’t know that when he hooked one up to his ride.

He apparently chose his runway carefully, selecting a nice long, lonely piece of straight highway in good repair. Not guessing that he might need a bit more than five miles of zoom surface, Zippy’s test track had, that far down the track, a gentle rise on a sloping turn. He kicked the tire, lit the fire, ran his Chev up to top cruising speed, and hit the ignition. Investigators know exactly where this happened, judging from the extended patch of burned and melted asphalt.

The pocket calculator boys figure Zip reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, punching the Chevy to “well in excess of 350 miles per hour” and continued at “full burn” for another 20 to 25 seconds. Early in that little sprint, at roughly 2.5 miles down the road, the Human Hydro Shock stood on the brakes, melting them completely, blowing the tires and rapidly reducing all four skins to liquefied trails on the pavement.

Remember that little rise on the turn? That’s where Zippy concluded his land speed record attempt and went for airborne honors, ultimately reaching an altitude of 125 feet and still climbing when his flight was abruptly terminated. We’ll never know how far or how high he might have gone. A cliff face of solid rock kind of got in his way, posing a serious reaffirmation of the law of physics vis-a-vis two chunks of matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time. He gave it hell though, blasting a 6-foot crater. The best modern forensic science could do was ID the car’s make and model year. As for Zippy, only trace evidence of bone, teeth, and hair were found in the crater.

Once there was this bus which happened to be from Sesamee Street. On the bus were some very strange people with very strange things to do. First there were two identical twins whose names were both Pattie. They were very big and muscular, especially for women. Next there was a man named Ross. He was a extrodinary guy so he was dubbed “Special Ross”. After that there was a hefty, overweight man named Leonard. Since his cheeks were so puffy people decided to nickname him “Leonard Cheeks”. Finally, all the people on the bus had bunions at which they feverously picked and scratched.

What do we call this bus filled with strange people? Of course; we call them: “Two all-beef Patties, Special Ross, Leonard Cheeks, pickin’ bunions, on a Sesamee Street bus!”

Why was the centipede late?
Because he was playing “This little Piggy” with his baby brother!

What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?
A walkie talkie!

What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with chilblains!

What has 50 legs but cant walk?
Half a centipede!

What do you call a guard with 100 legs?
A sentrypede!

What do you get if you cross a centipede and a chicken?
Enough drumsticks to feed an army!

What did one centipede say to the other centipede?
You’ve got a lovely pair of legs, You’ve got a lovely pair of legs,You’ve got a lovely pair of legs,You’ve got a lovely pair of legs,You’ve got a lovely pair of legs,You’ve got a lovely pair of legs ….!

Why was the centipede dropped from the insect football team?
He took too long to put his boots on!

What is worse than an alligator with toothache?
A centipede with athlete’s foot!

What goes 99-clonk, 99-clonk, 99-clonk?
A centipede with a wooden leg!

I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747.

I said “Hi Jack.”

He shot me.

You might be a reneck if…

You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can.

You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can.

Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.

You see a forest fire and think ‘Bar-bee-Q’.

You’ve ever strained your tea through a flyswatter.

Your mother is hairier than your father.

Instead of flossing you use a plunger.

You take the back window out of your pickup because it’s easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way.

When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.

Your grandma can bench press a ruck axle.

It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.

It is a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
Seven or more indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them. (Repealed)

It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.

In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.

Excelsior Springs
Balls may not be thrown within the city limits.

Helena
No item may be thrown across a street.

Salisbury
Pop bottles are not to be thrown on the ground.

Whitehall
It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.

THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!

With an NBA player’s strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It’s just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren’t bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks–possibly a whole year–as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day–that’s less than the cost of a large screen projection TV–you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need.

Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary.

Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

“HOW WILL I KNOW I’M HELPING?”

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You’ll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples’ suffering.

“HOW WILL HE KNOW I’M HELPING”

Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won’t know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

Simply fill out the form below.

___YES, I want to help!

I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:

[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star*
[ ] Superstar**
[ ] Entire team***
[ ] I’ll sponsor a player most in
need. Please select one for me.

* Higher cost
** Much higher cost
*** Please call our 900 number to
ask for the cost of a specific
team (Sorry, does not include
cheerleaders).

Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa
[ ] American Express [ ] DiscoverCard
[ ] Diner’s Club

Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number: __________________
Account Number: _____________________
Exp.Date:____________________________
Signature: _________________________

Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.)

Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?