Q: How many Princeton students does it take to screw in a lightblub?
A: Sigh. The Alumni pay people to do things like that for us.

Note: Princeton has a reputation for being wealthier than the other seven.

Q: How many Princeton students does it take to screw in a lightblub?
A: I don’t know, let me call my maid.

Note: Princeton has a reputation for being wealthier than the other seven.

Q: How many Indiana University “notes” users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job they can get after they graduate.

Note: Not meant to offend students at the Indiana University.

Q: How many Indiana University “notes” users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Have you ever wondered why it’s so dark in Bloomington?

Q: How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three–one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.

Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, They don’t make Pampers small enough.

Q: How many tight wads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to complain that even after all these technical advances, a lightbulb still only lasts 1000 hours.

Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four–One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

When you’re swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Sonata!
Sonata who?
Sonata such a big deal!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Sondheim!
Sondheim who?
Sondheim soon!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Sonia!
Sonia who?
Sonia be another year older!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Sophia!
Sophia who?
Sophia the cat before dinner!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Sonia!
Sonia who?
Sonia paper moon…!

Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude … I like that.

7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father’s Day? aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON’TBE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU’RE A NERD

16. I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily… well, once a week… monthly, perhaps…

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

The pen is mightier than the sword — if the sword is very small and the pen is real sharp.

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

Call me insane one more time and I’ll eat your other eye!

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?

Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can’t it get us out?

The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.

Money isn’t everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.

Useless Inventions

Non stick Cellotape

Solar Powered Flash Light

A black highlighter pen

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Inflatable Anchor

Smooth Sandpaper

Waterproof sponge

Waterproof Teabags

AC adapter for Solar powered calculators

Fireproof Matches

Fireproof Cigarettes

Battery powered Battery Charger

Seatbelts for Motorbikes

Hand powered Chainsaw

Inflatable Dartboard

Silent Alarm Clock

A Pedal powered wheelchair

Braille Drivers Manual

Double sided playing cards

Ejector seats for Helicopters