This is Dan Cassidy’s answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I’ve doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

When your opponent is down, kick him.

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?

Why is it that there are so many more horses’ asses than there are horses? - G. Gordon Liddy

Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today.

Winning isn’t everything, but losing isn’t anything.

You’re not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.

Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.

Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb for Bobby Fischer ?
A: Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file three millimetres off it first.

Q: How many scrabble players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: I don’t actually know, but it’s on a triple word score anyway.

Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Tauruses don’t like to change anything.

Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.

Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one, and they’ll use a non-disposable diaper too!

Cesium

Cesium, ’tis of thee,
Thy ‘positivity,
Of thee I sing.
Thou whose hydroxide, dis-
solved my wife when she died,
Glorious too, for suicide,
Here, death, is thy sting.

—Songs of Cesium #65

What’s the latest dope — besides you?

I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture.

You don’t believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for yourself.

When people cut their fingers you cry over it just so that you can get salt in the wound.

Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.

If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I’m glad.

You were born because your mother didn’t believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide.

I admire you because I’ve never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat.

You’re acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.

You have a face only a mother could love — and she hates it!

You never strike out blindly; you fail in the light.

They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.

Yo mama head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow.

Yo mama head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.