Q: How does a German eat mussels

A: *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* … AUFMACHEN !!!

Q: What’s the difference between a German and a shopping trolley?

A: A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?

Germans like to march in the shade.

After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be — Bonn or Berlin — a compromise was struck: Paris.

Belgium’s national motto:

Belgium: Gateway to France!

Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?

A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

Q: What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany’s best comedian?

A: Only the first one can make you smile.

Q: Why was the Dresden bombing a mistake ?

A: The RAF made a (H)ASH of it!

Q: How many people fron Dresden can you fit in a mini ?

A: About 25000 if you’ve got a shovel

Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? The food is great, but an hour later, you’re hungry for power.

Q: Have you heard about the new German microwave ?

A: It’s got ten seats inside.

Q: Why don’t Jewish cannibals like eating Germans?

A: They give them gas.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?

A: A Beaner-Schnitzel

“Two Martinis, bitte.”

“Dry?”

“Nein, I said TWO!”

Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?

So they won’t have to go around being nice while they fix them.

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Gestapo

Gestapo who?

Ve Vill ask ze Questions!

The Eight Worst Convenience Foods

And I thought nothing could top Hormel’s pickled eggs …

8. Meeter’s Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that’s sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.

7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label — he seems to be saying, “Go on, eat me already.” The second-best thing is the presence of both “cooked mutton” and “mutton” in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.

6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you’re really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you’ll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.

5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it’s stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat “falling off the bone.”

4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it’s a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?

3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world’s most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product’s titular robin isn’t actually blind, he’s blindfolded — the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.

2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa’s sleigh team — he didn’t want to end up as a cracker spread.

1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you’ve ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you’re the sort who’s always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.

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Q: How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Yeah, wouldn’t the guys at SETI like to know *that*!

Note: SETI = Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence.

Q: Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ?
A: Because it was doing an impersonation of the sun, setting.

Q: Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ?
A: Because Christmas tree decorations are always cheap and nasty.

Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?
A: One. It isn’t too easy.

Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: 10, one to change the light bulb and 9 to misread the manual.

Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: Eno.

Q: How does an engineer change a lightbulb?
A: As long as lighting levels are within operational parameters, he doesn’t !

Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are too “Short”.

Hello, you’re caller number nine!

You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK. This is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we’ll play your requests. Leave yours with us, and we’ll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Thank you for listening to our show.

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”