If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

[Referring to a glass of water] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody!

They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning… [Picks up his glass of water from the stool…] I like to live on the edge…

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

I was born by Cesarean section… But not so you’d notice. It’s just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, “Day 1 — Still tired from the move. Day 2 — Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot.” I was upset because on my second birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year. I figured at this rate, by the time I’m six, I’ll be ninety.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn’t see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, “Do you have any toy train schedules?”

Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?
They might be cheetahs!

Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player
Fan: Why’s that?
Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!

Why do artists never when they play football?
They keep drawing!

Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?
So that they can pack the defence!

Where do old bowling balls end up?
In the gutter!

Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?
Player: I finished it in three days!

What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
The scenter spot!

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family.

Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.

“Darling, it was just a shark,” assured his wife when he came to.

“You’ve got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere.”

(Star Trek theme in the background:)

(Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier.

(Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad’s answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.

(Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

Machine voice: Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.