Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Omar!
Omar live who?
Omar goodness gracious, wrong door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Omega!
Omega who?
Omega best man win!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Omelet!
Omelet who?
Omelet’in you kiss me!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ooze!
Ooze who?
Ooze in charge round here!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Opera!
Opera who?
Opera-tunity, and you thought opportunity only knocked once!

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

- Old investors never die, they just roll over.

- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…

- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

- Old owls never die, they just don’t give a hoot.

- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….

- Old printers never die, they’re just not the type.

- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

- Old students never die, they just get degraded.

- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

- Walt Disney didn’t die. He’s in suspended animation.

- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

Theorem: 1$ = 10 cent
Proof:
We know that $1 = 100 cents
Divide both sides by 100
$ 1/100 = 100/100 cents
=> $ 1/100 = 1 cent
Take square root both side
=> squr($1/100) = squr (1 cent)
=> $ 1/10 = 1 cent
Multiply both side by 10
=> $1 = 10 cent

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help “groups”?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie’s so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Duane!
Duane who?
Duane the bath, I’m dwowning!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dummy!
Dummy who?
Dummy a favour and go away!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dunce!
Dunce who?
Dunce-ay another word!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dustin Hoffman!
Dustin Hoffman who?
Dustin Hoffman welcome mat for you!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dwayne!
Dwayne who?
Dwayne in Spain falls mainly on the plain…!

Q: How many USENETers does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?
A. None. They are so busy hogging up bandwidth taking out their postadolescent frustrations on each other, that they never get around to it!

Q: How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once in a while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. Finally she selects a few. They’re all quite feeble and burn out after a few minutes, so she comes out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes great discontent among the people who have brought really bright, long-lasting bulbs.

Q: How many rec.humour posters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 31. One to change the lightbulb and thirty to flame them for picking the wrong wattage. No, better make that 32 … Captain Nitpick will want to point out that the newsgroup is rec.humor (US spelling) *not* rec.humour.

Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to come running in with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to screw them in and leave the old bulb in, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing, another one to come in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out again and start the whole process all over again. And one (me!) to notice that this doesn’t actually add up to 100.

Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and over again and still no one notices it’s been changed so they change it again and again and then they even discuss it and then someone flames them for not doing it in rec.humor.d.

Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 565. 1 to put in a trick bulb (say, a flash bulb), 6 to flame the first, pointing out that this bulb is different from the old one, 29 to counter-flame, pointing out that the new bulb is *deliberately* different, and is parodying the old one, 7 to leave the room, citing the extreme density of the 6, 12 to demand that this commentary be redirected to the other room, 14 to ask that the bulb be changed again, since they missed seeing it the first time, and 496 (a bit excessive, but it’s not my joke) to climb all over each other, trying to put the old bulb back in.

Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: An infinitely growing number: One to announce that the bulb burned out. Ten to agree. One to change it, one to post in saying “I got it”, one to post in saying “Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays”, one to post in saying “Our news software hasn’t been working and I missed the original lightbulb joke. Would someone please post it again or email it to me ?”, one to post in quoting everything so far and the words “Me too”, two to turn it into a cascade, another ten to build the cascade into a disk-wasting monster, one to post in with “I don’t get it. Isn’t this the place for FUNNY jokes ?”, one to post in after two months “What’s this lightbulb joke you’re all talking about ?”, one to repost it a month later thinking it’s a new joke, one to post “I didn’t get it. What’s the punchline ?”, one to post “Has anyone got a list of these? I’m starting a list, so please send me all your lightbulb jokes”, and one to cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later prefixed by “Are we allowed to tell jokes in here ?” and accompanied by all of our old favourites like “How many programmers…? None that’s a hardware problem.”, three to ask, a month later, “What FTP sites are the old lightbulbs archived at ?”, and any number to revive the entire exchange at stochastic intervals of two to six months.

Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 28. One to screw in the first one, 3 to follow the first one by screwing in the exact same bulb, 20 to screw in an almost completely similar bulb with a slight difference, 3 to complain about the lighting, 1 to explain that it was not the right type of bulb for this socket, and 1 standing by displaying the canonical collection of bulbs.

Teacher: Where is the English Channel?
Pupil: I don’t know, my TV doesn’t pick it up

Teacher: This is the third time I’ve had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say about that?
Pupil: Thank heavens it’s Friday!

Teacher: Didn’t you hear me call you?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!

What tables don’t you have to learn?
Dinner tables!

Why was the headmaster worried?
Because there were too many rulers in school!

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Four teenagers were arrested in the parking lot of a large mall in Lakeland, Fla., just before Christmas when, attempting to steal an automobile at random, they tried to break into a police van containing three officers on a stakeout.

MEGA MORON AWARDS

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank’s video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes Officer..that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.

Note: I thought this was something to do with the maths/logic theories of Kurt Goedel, about it being impossible to prove things, and finally a more complete explanation arrived in my mailbox : - A Goedel Number is one of several ways to encode a Turing Machine, the classical abstraction of a computer, or for that matter of any algorithm. The idea (as best I see it) is that if the machine knows its own Goedel Number it can simulate itself… It does come from the mathematician Goedel - partly because he used TMs in his famous theorem, I believe.)

Q: How many spies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why bother?

Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.

Q: How many Trimarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Leave it out, it was only attracting mosquitos anyway.

Q: How many Caidans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Nobody knows. They can’t figure out what to wear to change one.