The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes in a Fortune Cookie

We know where you live.

You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.

Everyone’s meal today is on you!

The “special sauce” came from the floor!

Guess what our special “drop” was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!

Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.

A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.

Your dog Sparky…he’s no longer missing.

See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.

MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus….maybe

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.

“Bob, Is that you?” Earl asked.

“Of course it me,” Bob replied.

“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”

“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”

“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”

You know you have been on the computer too long when…

When you are counting objects, you go “0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D…”.

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says “If you don’t turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!”, and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: “grep keys /dev/pockets”

When you look for your homework using: “grep homework /dev/backpack”

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you’re doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

…You’re writing a homework assignment, and get the end of the line in the middle of a sentence, tack on a ‘\’, and continue writing on the next line.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”

On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”

At a number of military bases: “Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”

On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: “Now available in multi-packs.”

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: “Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”

In a funeral parlor: “Ask about our layaway plan.”

In a clothing store: “Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”

In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store: “15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!”

On a shopping mall marquee: “Archery Tournament-Ears pierced”

What do you call an American drawing?
Yankee doodle!

I was once in a play called “Breakfast in Bed”
Did you have a big role?
No just toast and marmalade!

What key went to college?
Yale!

What is a volcano?
A mountain with hiccups!

Why was the broom late?
It over slept!

What runs but never walks?
Water!

What is green, four legs and two trunks?
Two seasick tourists!

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!

Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.

Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?”

To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”

Why was the centipede late?
Because he was playing “This little Piggy” with his baby brother!

What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?
A walkie talkie!

What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with chilblains!

What has 50 legs but cant walk?
Half a centipede!

What do you call a guard with 100 legs?
A sentrypede!

What do you get if you cross a centipede and a chicken?
Enough drumsticks to feed an army!

What did one centipede say to the other centipede?
You’ve got a lovely pair of legs, You’ve got a lovely pair of legs,You’ve got a lovely pair of legs,You’ve got a lovely pair of legs,You’ve got a lovely pair of legs,You’ve got a lovely pair of legs ….!

Why was the centipede dropped from the insect football team?
He took too long to put his boots on!

What is worse than an alligator with toothache?
A centipede with athlete’s foot!

What goes 99-clonk, 99-clonk, 99-clonk?
A centipede with a wooden leg!

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $100.00.

Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?

Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

I took a baby shower.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I washed mud, off of mud.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity… If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I’ve never seen electricity, so I don’t pay for it. I write right on the bill, “I’m sorry, I haven’t seen it all month.”

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “right here, officer”. Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, “Get out of my driveway!”

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don’t really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you”.

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”