A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.

The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly — after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.

After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.

The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, “Are they close to reaching a verdict?” The bailiff shook his head, and replied, “You’re honor, they’re still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman.”

Sea-Floor Spreading Lament (folksong) by Brenna Lorenz

Refrain: Alas for the spreading of the ocean,
Alas for the spreading of the sea,
Alas for every year that passes by,
Taking you two inches more from me!

Oh, why did you leave our native plate,
Causing me to weep and to mourn?
With the plates diverging at such a rate,
To leave me alone and lorn?

If only the mantle would my counsel take,
If the Earth would but listen unto me,
I’d say, “Your convection cell remake,
And bring my darling back to me!”

So dive you down, you ocean dark,
Part of the mantle be-
Fire you up, you island arc -
Subduct my darling back to me!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ahmed!
Ahmed who?
Ahmedeus Motzart!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Alaska!
Alaska who?
Alaska my friend the question then!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Aida!
Aida who?
Aida lot of sweets and now I’ve got tummy ache!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Al!
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open this door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Aladdin!
Aladdin who?
Aladdin the street wants a word with you!

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window… “Pull over!”

“No,” she shouts back, “a pair of socks!”

BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let’s say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:

“Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889.”

Pretty grim situation, right? But let’s revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.

Next, we rewrite the text:

“Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”

The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes in a Fortune Cookie

We know where you live.

You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.

Everyone’s meal today is on you!

The “special sauce” came from the floor!

Guess what our special “drop” was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!

Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.

A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.

Your dog Sparky…he’s no longer missing.

See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.

MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus….maybe

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.

“Bob, Is that you?” Earl asked.

“Of course it me,” Bob replied.

“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”

“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”

“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”