A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past.

“Say, friend”, called out one of the men, “how far is it to the next town?”

“Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon,” called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

“How far to the next town?” the men asked him eagerly.

“Oh, a good two miles.”

A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. “Hey, how far’s the next town?”

“Not far,” was the encouraging answer, “only about two miles.”

“Well,” sighed the optimistic sergeant, “thank God, we’re holding our own, anyhow!”

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, father, what causes arthritis?”

“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well I’ll be.” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?”

“I don’t have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

What is a spiders favorite TV show?
The newly web game!

What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late?
Your spinning me a yarn here!

What do you get if you cross a tarantula with a rose?
I’m not sure, but I wouldn’t try smelling it!

Why are spiders like tops?
They are always spinning!

What do you call a 100 spiders on a tyre?
A spinning wheel!

What has 8 legs and likes living in trees?
Four anti road protesters?

What did the spider say when he broke his new web?
Darn it!

What do you call a big irish spider?
Paddy long legs!

What is red and dangerous?
Strawberry and tarantula jelly!

The Top 10 Signs Your Broker Was Affected by the Stock Market Crash

“He can’t come to the phone right now..he’s on the ledge.”

“He won’t be in today…he was made an offer and he refused.”

“He left the building and not via the elevator..if you catch my drift.”

“I’m sorry, sir..she’s not in…she’s out digging up your can as we speak.”

There’s a sign on her desk that says “Next Broker Please.”

“He’s on another line with his Mommy..would you care to hold?”

“No sir, that wasn’t him streaking through the Stock Exchange”

“He’s meeting with the SEC as we speak.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup.”

“Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the freeway.”

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn’t evolved yet.

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

January 12, 1993

Raleigh, N.C., judge Don Overby, in several recent cases involving juvenile theft, has forced the convicted kid to go home, retrieve his own most prized possession, bring it back to Overby’s courtroom, and watch while the judge smashes it up.