Hello, you’re caller number nine!

You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK. This is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we’ll play your requests. Leave yours with us, and we’ll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Thank you for listening to our show.

You’ll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

Hello. I’m home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

Q: What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog?
A: Chump chops!

Q: How many seasons are there in a dogs life?
A: Just one, the moulting season!

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter what you call him, he still won’t come!

Q: Why is it called a “litter” of puppies?
A: Because they mess up the whole house!

Q: How do you stop a dog smelling?
A: Put a peg on it’s nose!

Q: What is the best time to take a Rottweiler for a walk?
A: Any times he wants to!

Q: When is a black dog not a black dog?
A: When it’s a greyhound!

Q: How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon?
A: Melon-collie!

Q: What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair of headphones?
A: Hush puppies!

Q: What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow?
A: Slush puppies!

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you — please keep your photo and return the others.”