Success is the active process of making your dreams real and inspiring others to dream. - James Anders Honeycutt

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.

Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.

Take this job and shove it.

Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.

Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except over technology.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

The 5 P’s : Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance

What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants?
The tusk fairy!

What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet?
An elephant with spare parts!

What’s grey but turns red?
An embarrassed elephant!

What’s grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderelephant!

When should you feed milk to a baby elephant?
When it’s a baby elephant!

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
When your nose touches the ceiling!

What do you call an elephant that flies?
A jumbo jet!

What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471

In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.

RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:

1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.

2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.

3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.

4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March.

5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words.

6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.

7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.

Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.

Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.

Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?

Abbott: Yes, that’s correct.

Costello: No, what is it?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: So, which is the one?

Abbott: No. ‘which’ is used to find the program.

Costello: Stop this. Who are you?

Abbott: Use ‘who am i’ not ‘who r yoo’. You can also ‘finger yoo’ to get information about ‘yoo’.

Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?

Abbott: Use ‘what’.

Costello: That’s what I am trying to find out. Isn’t that true?

Abbott: No. ‘true’ gives you 0.

Costello: Which one?

Abbott: ‘true’ gives you 0. ‘which programname’

Costello: Let’s get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

Abbott: Type ‘find / -name it -print’ to find ‘it’. Type ‘what program’ to get the revision code.

Costello: I want to find the revision code.

Abbott: You can’t ‘find revisioncode’, you must use ‘what program’.

Costello: Which command will do what I need?

Abbott: No. ‘which command’ will find ‘command’.

Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.

Abbott: You can ‘write that’ only if ‘that’ is a user on your system.

Costello: Write what?

Abbott: No. ‘write that’. ‘what program’.

Costello: Cut that out!

Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for ‘cut’. Don’t forget the options.

Costello: Do you always do this?

Abbott: ‘du’ will give you disk usage.

Costello: HELP!

Abbott: ‘help’ is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).

Costello: You make me angry.

Abbott: No, I don’t ‘make me’ angry but I did ‘make programname’ when I was upset once.

Costello: I don’t want to make trouble, so no more.

Abbott: No ‘more’? ‘which’ will help you find ‘more’. Every system has ‘more’.

Costello: Nice help! I’m confused more now!

Abbott: Understand that since ‘help’ is such a small program, it is better not to ‘nice help’. and ‘more now’ is not allowed but ‘at now’ is. Unless of course ‘now’ is a file name.

Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

Abbott: I didn’t know you needed help with ‘pc’. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.

The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, “My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!”

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket: “For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.”

Sign at fast-food place: “PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!”

Sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: “Ladies may have a fit upstairs.”

Sign in a Rhodes tailor shop: “Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.”

Sign from the Soviet Weekly: “There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.”

Sign in an East African newspaper: “A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.”

Sign in a Vienna hotel: “In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.”

Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: “Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.”