After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me…

Real programmers don’t grumble about the disadvantages of Fortran when they don’t know any other language.

Real programmers don’t notch their desks for each completed service request.

Real programmers don’t number paragraph names consecutively.

Real programmers print only clean compiles.

Real programmers write readable code, which they then self-righteously refuse to explain.

Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.

Remember the tea kettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Repetition does not establish validity.

Roses are red violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.

Rule of defactualization: information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.

Top George Bush Slogans

I’ll turn capital punishment into a new game show!

I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.

I’ll finish what Bill started — the interns.

Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?

Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.

I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.

New penal plan: I won’t use mine!

Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.

George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers

Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.

Why doesn’t the sea spill over the earth?
Because it’s tied!

Who was the Black Prince?
The son of Old King Cole!

Did you hear about the mad scientist who invented a gas that could burn through anything?
No, what about him?
Now he’s trying to invent something to hold it in!

Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit?
So he could tell the time at night!

Where do snowmen go to dance?
A snowball!

Where does a general keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!

Why did the burglar take a shower?
He wanted to make a clean getaway!

What kind of fish can’t swim?
Dead ones!

How do Welsh people eat cheese?
Caerphilly!

Why do polar bears have fur coats?
Because they would look silly in anoraks!

Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.

Anything labeled “New” and/or “Improved” isn’t. The label means the price went up. The label “All New”, “Completely New”, or “Great New” means the price went way up.

Anything that doesn’t eat you today is saving you for tomorrow.

Anything that is designed to do more than one thing cannot do any of them well.

Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?

As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.