Q: How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One–but he has to wait until the light is better.

Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.

Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.

Q: How many managing editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You were supposed to have changed that lightbulb last week!

Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The invisible hand does it.

Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. “There is no need to change the lightbulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the lightbulb lighting up again.”

Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because, look! It’s getting brighter! It’s definitely getting brighter!

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

Flugg’s Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.

Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor’s course.

Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences; if you have none, someone will make one for you.

Franklin’s Rule: Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be disappointed.

Freeman’s Commentary on Ginsberg’s theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg’s Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Fresco’s Discovery: If you knew what you were doing, you’d probably be bored.

Fudd’s First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?
Just one if it’s long enough!

What cheese is made backwards?
Edam?

This match won’t light!

That’s funny, it did this morning!

What do elves do after school?
Gnomework!

If Ireland sank into the sea, what county wouldn’t sink?
Cork!

How do we know that the Earth won’t come to an end?
Because it’s round!

How did your mum know you hadn’t washed your face?
I forgot to wet the soap!

If you’re ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don’t stop and think of what other words have ‘under’ in them, because that’s probably the first sign of jungle madness.

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don’t care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let’s say you’re an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he’s not Dracula, but you just say, “Think again, bat man.”

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.

I think a good movie would be about a guy who’s a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain the makes you want to study the brain.

I wouldn’t be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn’t a person, because it would be too small. But there’s a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy–something like that.

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, “You can’t throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.” Sure they eat fish, if that’s all you give them. Man, wise up.

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Sunday, November 29, 1992

Robert A. Chase, 45, was charged with threatening an 11-year-old boy with a knife in Madison, Wis. The boy was watching Chase play basketball with another adult when the opponent accused Chase of “traveling” (taking steps without dribbling the ball).

To seek an impartial opinion, Chase asked the boy, but the boy agreed that Chase had traveled. Chase then allegedly grabbed the boy, held a knife to his throat, and asked, “Now. Did I travel?”

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, “How does this boat float?

The father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, “How do fish breath underwater?”

Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, the father repied. “Don’t rightly know son.” Finally, the boy asked his father, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”

The father replied, “Of course not, you don’t ask questions, you never learn nothin’.”

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

The Doctor was puzzled “I’m very sorry but I can’t diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. ”

“Don’t worry about it Dr. Kelley, I’ll come back when you’re sober.”

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

“Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.

“She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Irishman.

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”

“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”

“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”

Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.

You may not step out of a plane in flight.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.

Augusta
To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.

Portland
Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.