One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale’s Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

“Well, sonny, I can’t remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger.”

The owner replies, “Well, let’s see… Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?”

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, “I want this color sonny.”

To which Nathan replies, “Ma’am I’m sorry, but we don’t have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?”

“No son, I want this color.”

“But ma’am, they didn’t make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?” says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, “Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman’s corn!”

A burglar has just made it into the house he’s intending ransacking, and he’s looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!”

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

“I can see you, and so can Jesus!”

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!”

“So what,” says the burglar, “you’re only a parrot!”

To which the parrot replies, “Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!”

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Roxie!
Roxie who?
Roxie horrow picture show!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Rufus!
Rufus who?
Rufus leaking and I’m getting wet!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Russia!
Russia who?
Russia though you meal and you’ll be sick!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ruth!
Ruth who?
Ruth of the matter is!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Sabina!
Sabina who?
Sabina a long time since I’ve seen you!

Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that’s not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.

Q: How can you tell the stage you’re playing on is level?
A: The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
A: They make great anchors!

Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
A: They make good paddles.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: You can turn off a chainsaw.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
A: You can tune a Harley.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?
A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.

Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?
A: Saves time.

Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player’s best friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.

Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
A: By their names.

Q: What is the most seldom heard comment made of banjo players?
A: “Say, isn’t that the banjo player’s Porsche?”

Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.

The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man.

The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless.

“Aidan,” said the neighbor, “I never knew you were so strong.”

“Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I’d have thrashed him properly.”

“Young man,” said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. “It’s alcohol and alcohol alone that’s responsible for your present sorry state!”

“I’m glad to hear you say that,” replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. “Everybody else says it’s all my fault!”

A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.

“I’m here for the paint job,” she said.

“Alright,” said the man. “Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house.”

The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.

After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, “I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn’t a porsche out back. It’s a new BMW.

Sorry… I’m far too depressed to come to the phone. If you can be bothered, leave a message after the sound of the gunshot, and maybe somebody will call you I guess… (BANG!)

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $100!”

This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers–all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?” Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

Doctor: Don’t worry about it. You’ll pass eventually.

Liz: I’m the examiner!

You might be a redneck if…

Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

Bikers back down from your momma.

You were shooting pool when your kids were born.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.